Miscellany

I went to the cemetery yesterday by myself for the first time.  I've always had another kid(s) and/or the whole rest of the family with me.  It was a bittersweet time of quiet reflection with my youngest boy on the 17th Friday.  Then I realized that I couldn't make my feet walk away from him.  Uh-oh, I thought.  Maybe I should have brought someone with me to make me walk back to the car.  I left my phone in the car, or else I would have called My Man and asked him to swing by on his way home from work to gently take me by the arm and lead me home to those here who still need me.  Who really want me.  So I thought about it for awhile, probably standing there close to half an hour before I spoke with My Father saying "Look, You know what I got to get done today, pretty soon actually.  Help me leave him here once again, let me know he's safe in your care, so I can drive the girls to worship dance and get daddy and Big Bro the last few things they need before leaving for the Scout camp out tonight." And He did. I was still a little late but everyone understood.  I really missed my Bob-o yesterday.  That's not to say I don't miss him everyday, just that some days it's more acute than others.  

Had a great meeting with the wonderful grief counselor our church recommended to me right after he died.  I had thought I was basically grieving OK, in a healthy way, and hadn't called her yet.  Then I slipped into that deep pit of doubt and despair and figured it would be a good idea to check in with a professional.  She is a dear sister in Christ who has already given me much needed validation, encouragement and tips for managing this crucial first year of grief.  I'm so glad I got over my fear of contacting her.  What an answer to prayer.  

I can't say enough how much I appreciate those who are walking this journey with me.  Not only the precious ones who share my roof, but the friends and family who are holding me up and standing close by me as life moves on and I feel like staying put.  A dear friend who has suffered great loss herself this past year brought me a yummy meal the other day, knowing that there are just those days when you can't  bring yourself to plan and prepare something as complicated as dinner. Another girlfriend regularly texts me just to check in.  A sweet pal whose first was stillborn knows exactly how many weeks it's been and that means so much.  She also looks after his grave site on a regular basis.  My mom texted me today just to say she loved me and asked how I'm doing.  It's like a warm, cozy blanket wrapping me up in her loving embrace.  I so need that and treasure it.  She was the first person I had to call as soon as we found out he was gone.  I grabbed my phone and told My Man "I've got to call my mom."  And she and my dad got to our hospital room in record time.  They came.  They stood for hours by my side when they themselves were grieving the loss of their grandson.  They fretted over me when I was racked  by post-delivery/epidural convulsions.  One of my favorite pictures of those moments after is the one where my mom has her hand on my forehead, loving on me like she did all those many times when I was sick as a kid.  Times like these you just need to be a daughter again. 
Thanks, mom!  

And another favorite one shows my dad taking Bob-o from me to wrap him up in a memory blanket.  It touches me because I know he was doing more than that.  He was helping me prepare to let go.  
Thanks, dad!

I wish I would have let the kids take loads of pictures of me when I was pregnant.  Middle child said the other day she misses my baby belly.  At the time, blissfully unaware of what was ahead, I told them whenever they had my cell phone poised to take a snapshot "oooh, no.  I don't want pictures of me all big and round."  This is the ONLY one!

As you can see, I carry my babies ALL OVER...!  In this picture I outweigh Dennis by a hefty margin.  Not anymore, thank goodness, because it's a dark day when you officially weigh more than your man.  Just look at those beautiful fresh faces, all aglow with the joys of summer fun.   Love.

Comments

[Patty Whelpley]

I love the way you start your blog today with a reflection on not wanting to walk away from your child and end it with your mom and dad being there for you. It takes courage to step away from that grave and go on to the other kids but your parents are great models of being there for the right moment and then putting one foot in front of another.

I am amazed at the way you humbly lay bare your heart for us to share in your journey and pray you along. Wrap yourself in his warm blanket, Carie and remember that we're hear mourning with you.