His works in progress

A Thousand Amens: Live Worship with The Falls Church

Dear ones - our church is holding two nights of live worship that will be recorded and made into a CD!  I am so excited to be a part of this.  All of the details can be found at tfcmusic.org!  Friday March 2 and Saturday March 3.  Come be a part!

 

Another Friday surprise...surprised by joy!

So yesterday I was bogged down with fatigue, grief, sadness...feeling once again that God was far off.  I fully expected to wake up on this the 18th Friday and feel the same.  Imagine my surprise when I woke up with a heart full of the joy of the Lord.  I'm beginning to think He knows just how much I can take and sends sweet relief just in the nick of time.  Here's e-mail correspondence with a dear friend who asked yesterday how my heart was:

 

Sent: Thursday, February 09, 2012 10:01 AM

 Thanks very much for asking. I'll be honest- This is incredibly hard. My heart hurts a lot. My faith is really being tested. Shaken even. I'm battling great guilt and therefore any little or big thing that comes up with my kids now exacerbates it. Things I am unable to do for them or fix or control. D is a phenomenal support and I love him more than ever but it feels like I'll always feel like this. I'm still praying to feel the presence of Jesus. To me right now it feels like he's millions of miles away and then I get mad at him for letting me down. I'll have moments of connection, of joy, but they're infrequent. SO I really truly do appreciate your prayers. It's literally my lifelIne right now as I am often unable tO talk to Him myself.

 

And today, Sent: Friday, February 10, 2012 12:50 PM

Thanks is not near enough but thanks so very much. Your prayers and love and support and rich insights mean the world. We are truly blessed to know you guys. Today is 18 Fridays and once again God shows up big time just when I've about given up hope. Joy took over my heart today as I woke up and it's all b/c of Jesus. I went to the cemetery just now (and took my phone just in case!) and walked away feeling a calm, a contentment that has eluded me so often these last few months. It's like He peppers the dark days with these kind so I'll know it's really and truly Him and not any strength of my own. God gave me a picture just now of empty grave clothes, in this case Bob-o's little lion onesie lying unoccupied b/c its previous occupant doesn't need it anymore. He's got new clothes now. Shining white and spotless. My heart hears him assuring me "I'm ok, mama. Really ok!" See how powerful and productive your effectual, fervent prayers are?

Another Holy surprise - at the cemetery I looked at my babe's grave

 

and there's these teeny little crocus blossoms all over the place, which was funny as it's still in the low 40's today.  It's like spring was defiantly declaring its agreement with God in Isaiah "Behold!  I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up!  Do you not perceive it?"  Isaiah 43:19.  There in a field of death, dying, and the dead - the beloved departed, hundreds upon hundreds of them - there, was bursting forth a sign of the new life just beyond these cold, short, dark days.  If I open my eyes to see, the signs of Life, eternal, glorious, hopeful, joy-filled life are all around.  In the grubby faces of our kids after a day of playing, learning, loving.  In the long, secure embrace of My Man and his scruffy faced kisses when he just wakes up.  In sun-shiney days warm enough for good outside time in the middle of winter.  In the lavish love of friends and family who ask how I am doing and really want to know.  In a heart that goes to bed Thursday night hard as stone and awakes mere hours later all soft and fleshy and overflowing with Life.  Hope.  Peace.  Joy.  I am truly humbled.

 

And I pick one of these scrappy little blossoms - small but beautiful like my Bob-o - to take home with me and put it on the dashboard of the old Four Wheel Drive Sleigh.  I start to mentally plan my shopping list as I head to the grocery store, praying for grace because for some reason, grocery shopping makes me really miss Bob-o.  Not sure why.  It just does.  I put this trip off for so long that the cat's canned food inventory was totally depleted for almost a week and she had to eat just dry food, poor little thing.  No more putting it off.  And I thought today was as good a day as any since my spirit was right and renewed.  No sooner do I get to the exit of the cemetery and merge into the traffic that will usher me on to aisles full of abundance, food and memories, and this little plucked flower was opening up before my very eyes.  The petals were spreading out in a further show of solidarity, exhorting me to throw out my own arms in reckless abandon to worship and relationship.  Here it is!

 

 

I've had that wonderful old sunday school song in my head all day long (Nehemiah 8:10)  "The joy of the Lord is my strength!  The joy of the Lord is my strength!  The joy of the Lord is my strength!  The joy of the Lord is my strength."  You got it in your head, too?  Good!

 

Pray with me, won't you, that we'll decide on just the perfect words to put on his little grave stone.  We won't have lots of space, but I really want to say something that will make everyone who looks at it see Jesus.  I was thinking of the verse in John when Jesus was on his way to raise Lazarus from the dead and he told his bewildered disciples that "this is for God's glory."  Thoughts???

 

Miscellany

I went to the cemetery yesterday by myself for the first time.  I've always had another kid(s) and/or the whole rest of the family with me.  It was a bittersweet time of quiet reflection with my youngest boy on the 17th Friday.  Then I realized that I couldn't make my feet walk away from him.  Uh-oh, I thought.  Maybe I should have brought someone with me to make me walk back to the car.  I left my phone in the car, or else I would have called My Man and asked him to swing by on his way home from work to gently take me by the arm and lead me home to those here who still need me.  Who really want me.  So I thought about it for awhile, probably standing there close to half an hour before I spoke with My Father saying "Look, You know what I got to get done today, pretty soon actually.  Help me leave him here once again, let me know he's safe in your care, so I can drive the girls to worship dance and get daddy and Big Bro the last few things they need before leaving for the Scout camp out tonight." And He did. I was still a little late but everyone understood.  I really missed my Bob-o yesterday.  That's not to say I don't miss him everyday, just that some days it's more acute than others.  

Had a great meeting with the wonderful grief counselor our church recommended to me right after he died.  I had thought I was basically grieving OK, in a healthy way, and hadn't called her yet.  Then I slipped into that deep pit of doubt and despair and figured it would be a good idea to check in with a professional.  She is a dear sister in Christ who has already given me much needed validation, encouragement and tips for managing this crucial first year of grief.  I'm so glad I got over my fear of contacting her.  What an answer to prayer.  

I can't say enough how much I appreciate those who are walking this journey with me.  Not only the precious ones who share my roof, but the friends and family who are holding me up and standing close by me as life moves on and I feel like staying put.  A dear friend who has suffered great loss herself this past year brought me a yummy meal the other day, knowing that there are just those days when you can't  bring yourself to plan and prepare something as complicated as dinner. Another girlfriend regularly texts me just to check in.  A sweet pal whose first was stillborn knows exactly how many weeks it's been and that means so much.  She also looks after his grave site on a regular basis.  My mom texted me today just to say she loved me and asked how I'm doing.  It's like a warm, cozy blanket wrapping me up in her loving embrace.  I so need that and treasure it.  She was the first person I had to call as soon as we found out he was gone.  I grabbed my phone and told My Man "I've got to call my mom."  And she and my dad got to our hospital room in record time.  They came.  They stood for hours by my side when they themselves were grieving the loss of their grandson.  They fretted over me when I was racked  by post-delivery/epidural convulsions.  One of my favorite pictures of those moments after is the one where my mom has her hand on my forehead, loving on me like she did all those many times when I was sick as a kid.  Times like these you just need to be a daughter again. 
Thanks, mom!  

And another favorite one shows my dad taking Bob-o from me to wrap him up in a memory blanket.  It touches me because I know he was doing more than that.  He was helping me prepare to let go.  
Thanks, dad!

I wish I would have let the kids take loads of pictures of me when I was pregnant.  Middle child said the other day she misses my baby belly.  At the time, blissfully unaware of what was ahead, I told them whenever they had my cell phone poised to take a snapshot "oooh, no.  I don't want pictures of me all big and round."  This is the ONLY one!

As you can see, I carry my babies ALL OVER...!  In this picture I outweigh Dennis by a hefty margin.  Not anymore, thank goodness, because it's a dark day when you officially weigh more than your man.  Just look at those beautiful fresh faces, all aglow with the joys of summer fun.   Love.