"Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind...?" NO! Please, world, don't usher in a new year and forget my boy. I must confess I greeted the new year with this statement: "2012: The Year Without A Bob-o." I wake up lately and dread yet another day - a whole 24 hours full of potential and promise and wonders anew - without my Bob-o. It's hard to get out of bed. I do get out of bed. My sweet husband coaxes me out and lovingly asks me to join him on our Daily Free Therapy Neighborhood Walks. And we talk, and talk, and talk. About Bob-o. About everything else. And I cry sometimes and he holds me up as we walk, and walk, and walk. I tell him what's in my heart when we lay down at night and when the new day greets us and he listens. And stays. And I love him so much for that. I hug him tight a lot these days and whisper "don't you go anywhere, OK?" and he promises me he won't. This really hurts, this burying of our child and with him all our plans and dreams and designs for him and our family life. And so I hold on that much tighter to those I still have to love on right now.
More confessions - I have this dreadful fear that the world will go on as if my Bob-o never was. I'd take out billboards if I could declaring his existence. "Hey world! I had a baby. A boy baby. Our Bob-o lived and died and lives again. Please don't forget him." And I worry that people I see in our day to day life will think I'm "over" him just because I'm back. I'm torn moment by moment between wanting to move forward (not "on" and definitely not "over") and wanting desperately to crawl in a cave and not come out. I find the "sameness" of our life almost unbearable. Because we were all braced for the joyous life changer to hit the scene and rock our world. He has rocked our world for sure, just not in the way we thought he would. And I'm very sad about that. I'm mad about it. And I cannot wait to see him again. But wait I must. And I feel utterly compelled to share the Gospel of our King so that everyone can both know my boy and know our Savior. The sooner everyone hears the sooner Jesus will come back to get us. True confession: I know that means I'll hold my baby(ies) again and it makes me want it more than ever. Is that OK? Am I cheapening the lavish gift of God's grace and eternal life by my borderline-obsession with that particular reunion? These are the things I talk to God about during my sleepless nights. And He listens. And He stays. And I love Him so very much for that.
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