Our baby was stillborn. He died before he was "born." He lived and moved inside me for 39 weeks and 4 days. He was over 8 lbs for crying out loud. Yet the state of Virginia issues us neither a birth certificate nor a death certificate. I can write them and request a "Certificate of Birth Resulting in a Stillbirth" and for that I am thankful. All I want is a little piece of paper issued by the bureaucracy in which we dwell that indicates the state recognizes Robert Bowling Stephens for the wonderful little person that he was and is. I figured out we wouldn't get a birth certificate when they were wheeling me out of the hospital room and I mentioned sort of in passing "oh, the birth certificate lady never came by," and no one said anything. Ooops. Silly me. I had just given very real birth to one of my biggest - and very real - full term babies and yet no paperwork for me. Or him. Well, then, I took some comfort in the idea that the state would at least acknowledge his very real life and therefore very real death (which you can't have without life, but I digress) with a death certificate. Nope. The sweet funeral home lady called me back today to let me know as gently as she could that since Virginia considers his situation a "fetal demise" (as opposed to what, I wonder? Infant demise? Human being demise? Person demise?) they won't automatically issue such a document. Ouch. Was he any less real because of mere timing? I know it won't bring him back. I know it won't assuage my grief much if at all. I just have this fear that the world will forget him, or worse - pretend he never was. I can't let that happen. I'm his mom. He's my boy. My very real boy. No one will get to know him on this side of heaven and that hurts.
And then I worked up my nerve to schedule the well-child physicals for his 5 live-wire siblings today, having put it off for awhile because I knew it would be a painful reminder that there are no appointments to schedule for him. You know how many times you take a new baby to the pediatrician? Ouch.
I know he's in the arms of the Great Physician and therefore doesn't need any vaccines or check-ups or braces or glasses or casts on broken arms. I just miss him. So very much. Ouch.
Comments